We Know How to Bury the Dead, But Do We Know How to Bury Our Hurts?

Every November 1, we visit the graves of our departed loved ones to remember them and reunite with family members. The reunion, at least, is a distinctly Filipino tradition.

As I was reflecting on All Saints’ Day, a thought suddenly came to me:

We bury the dead only after they have died. We never bury the living.

Perhaps we should treat our hurts the same way.

We cannot bury hurts that are still alive. Hurts that remain unresolved, unspoken, undiscussed, or deliberately avoided will keep resurfacing. They do not simply disappear because we choose not to talk about them. Eventually, they turn into lingering pain, worse, resentment that can become the seed of sinful actions.

Hurts need to be confronted, discussed, acknowledged, and properly dealt with before they can finally be put to rest.

But here is another realization: Our peace should not depend on someone else’s admission.

There are people who simply refuse to take accountability. And accountability is neither keeping silent nor doing good actions to cover the mistake but an acknowledgement of mistakes and genuine change of heart and perspective. These people will not acknowledge what they did, confront the hurt they caused, or even have an honest conversation about it. Even worse is when they turn tables around and present themselves as the victims. Sometimes, no matter how much we try, we will never get the admission or apology we hope for.

But why should we be the ones who continue carrying the burden of what someone else did?

The person who did wrong should have to reckon with their actions and take responsibility. Their conscience should bother them and not justify their mistakes as acts born out of good intentions. Good intentions do not justify immoral means. But whether they recognize this, acknowledge their wrongdoing, or take responsibility is beyond our control.

We can seek an explanation, ask for accountability, and hope for reconciliation. But we cannot force someone to acknowledge their wrongdoing. And we should not allow their refusal to do so to dictate the quality of our lives.

This does not mean pretending that nothing happened, excusing the wrongdoing, or forgetting the lesson. It means recognizing that we can let go of the pain without denying the truth. We can forgive without necessarily restoring trust. We can move forward without receiving the apology we deserve. We can accept them for who they are yet still not give them approval for what they did.

At some point, we have to put a higher premium on our peace than on the pain someone else caused us.

As we remember our departed loved ones, perhaps this is also an opportunity to reflect on the hurts we continue to carry.

We say rest in peace to those who have passed. Perhaps it is time we allowed our hurts to rest, too.

Our hurts are meant to rest in peace, not for us to rest in pain.