There is too much empathy and too little love. I think this is one of the reasons why the world is increasingly marked by anxiety, fragility, anger, and confusion.
Empathy is valuable, but empathy by itself is not love. Empathy asks us to enter into another person’s feelings, to understand their pain and to avoid causing them distress. But if our desire to prevent someone from feeling bad comes at the expense of truth, justice, virtue, or their genuine good, then empathy can actually become uncharitable.
Consider three examples.
A child joins a competition and receives an award simply for participating, so that he will feel appreciated even though he lost.
A person is given recognition because of a personal characteristic rather than because of the work, virtue, or achievement that normally deserves recognition.
Someone described abortion as an act of mercy because it prevents a child from experiencing a difficult life.
All three can be motivated by a desire to prevent pain. They are, in that sense, deeply empathetic. But empathy asks primarily, “How do I make this person feel better?”
Love asks a deeper question:
“What is truly good for this person?”
Love is not merely a feeling. Love is a choice and an action. To love is to will the good of another.
And what is good?
A classical Christian understanding, especially developed in the thought of Augustine, is that goodness is connected with perfection: good is what perfects a thing according to what it is and what it is ordered toward.
A thing is good when it becomes more fully what it is meant to be.
A good knife cuts well because cutting belongs to what a knife is.
A good eye sees well because seeing belongs to what an eye is.
And a good human being develops and exercises what is proper to human nature.
The human person is rational and free. We possess the capacity to know truth, to deliberate, to choose, to love, to form relationships, and to develop virtue.
Therefore, qualities such as wisdom, self-discipline, courage, honesty, justice, and responsibility do not merely make us socially acceptable. They perfect us as human beings.
This is where love sometimes becomes difficult.
Sometimes love means comforting someone.
But sometimes love means telling the truth.
Sometimes love means affirming someone.
But sometimes love means correcting them.
Sometimes love means protecting someone from suffering.
But sometimes love means allowing them to experience the consequences of their choices, because suffering can be part of learning, maturity, responsibility, and growth.
Sometimes love means saying, “I understand why you feel this way, but I don’t think what you are doing is good for you.”
That is not a lack of compassion.
It may actually be compassion guided by truth.
We have become so afraid of making people uncomfortable that we sometimes deprive them of the very things that help them become stronger: correction, accountability, discipline, responsibility, resilience, and the encounter with truth.
A child who never learns how to lose does not become stronger because we protected his feelings. He may instead become less capable of dealing with failure.
A person who is never corrected does not necessarily become more confident. They may simply become less capable of recognizing their own weaknesses.
And a society that confuses affirmation with love eventually loses the ability to distinguish between what feels good and what is actually good.
Empathy says:
“I don’t want you to hurt.”
Love says:
“I don’t want you to be harmed, and therefore I want what is truly good for you—even when what is good may be difficult, painful, or uncomfortable.”
The goal of love is not merely to eliminate suffering.
The goal of love is human flourishing.
Because sometimes the most loving thing we can do is not to remove someone’s pain, but to help them become the kind of person who can face reality, endure difficulty, choose what is right, and ultimately become more fully human.
Empathy without truth can become sentimentality.
Truth without charity can become cruelty.
But truth guided by charity is love.
