In my years of handling corporate clients, there are a few training needs that consistently come up. One of them is helping managers learn how to lead, delegate, and get their subordinates to work toward their objectives. This is not exclusive to local companies. Even multinational companies have raised the same concern.

Whenever a client requests this kind of training, there is one question I would ask:

“Are these newly promoted managers now handling people who used to be their friends?”

The answer is almost always yes.

In other words, these are employees who have been promoted and are now expected to manage the same people they used to work alongside as peers.

I ask this question because pakikisama is a big part of Filipino culture. We value relationships, getting along with others, and maintaining harmony within a group. I cannot simply dismiss these cultural realities and call these managers unprofessional because they find it difficult to manage their friends. I want to understand what makes the transition difficult.

Sometime in 2013, I conducted training for newly promoted managers and supervisors. When I asked them about their difficulties in managing their friends, many shared a similar experience. Their friends would tease them and say, “Hindi ka na ma-reach” or “Nag-iba ka na.”

Think about what happens in this situation. A person gets promoted, and with the promotion comes the responsibility to give instructions, correct mistakes, and hold people accountable. But the people they now supervise are the same people they used to joke around with, eat lunch with, and share stories with.

How do you exercise authority without making your friends feel that you have changed?

On the other hand, I have also observed companies where friendship works in favor of newly promoted managers. Their friends cooperate, accept their direction, and support them in their new roles.

This tells me that friendship itself is not necessarily the problem. The same relationship that makes it difficult for one manager to exercise authority can help another manager lead a team effectively.

The difference may lie in how the manager and the team understand their relationship now that their roles have changed.

A manager does not have to stop being a friend. But friendship cannot be the reason for avoiding a difficult conversation, tolerating poor performance, or refusing to make a decision. At some point, the responsibility of the position must take precedence over the desire to keep everyone comfortable.

This is one of the challenges of moving from being a team member to becoming a manager. The promotion changes the position, but it does not automatically change how a person relates to others.

The Difficulty of Speaking Up

Another training request that frequently comes up is helping managers learn to speak up.

Clients would often tell me that their managers are talkative during breaks, lunch, or informal gatherings but become quiet during meetings. They have ideas, but they do not share them. They may see a problem or have a suggestion, but they hesitate to bring it up.

When I ask these managers about it, I often hear that they are shy or afraid they might not be able to defend their ideas when questioned.

Again, I notice something familiar in our culture: pagkamahiyain.

There is nothing inherently wrong with being shy or reserved. Not everyone has to be outspoken, and being quiet does not mean a person has nothing valuable to contribute. But when a manager cannot express an idea because of the fear of being questioned, the organization loses an opportunity to benefit from that person’s knowledge and experience.

Part of being a manager is communicating decisions, raising concerns, sharing ideas, and sometimes disagreeing with people who may be more senior. A manager does not have to win every argument, but should be willing to explain the reasoning behind a recommendation and consider a different point of view.

The question, then, is not whether a manager is naturally shy. It is whether that person can learn to speak when the responsibility of the role requires it.

The Real Challenge of Management Development

Looking at these experiences, I see a common thread. Some managers hesitate to exercise authority because they want to maintain good relationships. Others hesitate to speak because they are afraid of being questioned or embarrassed.

In both cases, the manager’s behavior is influenced by the desire to avoid an uncomfortable situation.

Of course, this does not mean that pakikisama and pagkamahiyain are the only reasons managers struggle. Some may lack experience, communication skills, or confidence. Others may be working in organizations where questioning a superior is discouraged. These factors also matter.

But my point is that we cannot develop managers simply by teaching them techniques for delegation, communication, or leadership. We also need to help them understand why they hesitate to use those techniques in the first place.

Knowing how to delegate is different from being willing to delegate. Knowing how to give feedback is different from having the courage to correct a friend. Knowing how to present an idea is different from being willing to defend it when someone disagrees.

The gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it is where much of management development happens.

A newly promoted manager may understand the principles of leadership during training but return to the workplace and fall back into familiar habits. The first time a friend complains about being corrected, the manager may hesitate. The first time a senior executive challenges an idea, the manager may choose to remain silent.

This is why I believe that developing managers requires more than a training session.

Training can introduce concepts, challenge assumptions, and provide opportunities to practice. But the real test comes when managers apply what they have learned in actual workplace situations. They need opportunities to practice, receive feedback, make mistakes, and try again.

Management must also do its part. Companies cannot expect managers to exercise authority if they do not give them the necessary support. Nor can they expect people to speak up if the workplace makes disagreement uncomfortable or risky.

Developing managers is a shared responsibility. Managers must be willing to change their habits, while organizations must provide the environment and support that allow them to grow.

After all, promotion gives a person a new position, but it does not automatically provide the judgment, confidence, and discipline required to lead.

The real work begins when managers learn to act on what they know, even when doing so is uncomfortable.

That may mean correcting a friend, defending an idea, or making a decision that not everyone will like. These are not necessarily signs that a manager has become arrogant or difficult to approach. They may simply be signs that the person is learning to take the responsibilities of the position seriously.

The goal is not to make managers abandon pakikisama or change their personalities. It is to help them understand when to preserve harmony, when to speak up, and when their responsibilities require them to make a difficult decision.

That kind of judgment does not develop overnight. It takes practice, experience, and commitment from both the manager and the organization.